We learned on Thursday that we lost Ivy and Savannah, our twin babies. We were on a business trip in Albany, NY. We being me, Heather, and Lydia. I only had to be there for one day, and then we were going to spend a couple of nights in NYC. It would have been Lydia's first trip to the Big Apple, and she was excited as ... well, as excited as a couple of soon-to-be parents. We were going to see Wicked, tour the Met, and pick out the first baby gifts for Ivy and Savannah.
Heather woke up Thursday morning in pain. It's hard for me judge the severity of her pain because her reaction is equally demonstrative if it's caused by a nurse who does a lousy job sticking her for a blood sample or if it's because she's been dealing with dry socket for three days. On Thursday it was really bad. It was dry socket bad. Because she was pregnant, she was only allowed to take Tylenol, and we didn't have any. I ran to the store and brought some back before leaving for my business meeting.
Shortly after arriving at my meeting, I got a text message from Heather saying "Please call me. We had to go to ER". I didn't see it right away because my phone was on silent. By the time I saw it, another text arrived: "We are here waiting". I excused myself from the meeting and called Heather. She explained that the pain didn't get better after I left, so she called our IVF Nurse, Bonnie. Bonnie told her to get to the hospital immediately. Heather has been reading a lot about all of the things that can go wrong, so she already knew what to fear - an ectopic pregnancy. That's when the embryo attaches to a fallopian tube instead of to the uterus. This is very dangerous to the mother because the tube can burst and the mother can die from internal bleeding.
Thank goodness I didn't know anything about ectopic pregnancies while I was in that conference room. I was acting like nothing was wrong as I sat in a conference room with 7 men, asking questions and taking notes. Meanwhile, I'm holding my phone under the table and exchanging text messages with Lydia and Heather to learn what's going on. I wanted to leave the meeting, but I knew that there was nothing I would be able to do at the hospital and Lydia was there to comfort her sister. Thank God for Lydia. She was so helpful! She not only kept me informed about what was happening, but she let me know how Heather was doing.
Just as I was leaving the meeting, I got the news we had been dreading. The pregnancy was ectopic. Jim Miller, my boss, gave me a ride to the hospital. I could barely contain my anxiety as we struggled to find the hospital and turned a 5 minute ride into a 20 minute ride. There were three of us in the car and we pointedly remained silent for the trip. Jim and John didn't know what to say. I didn't trust my voice. Lydia said that Heather was inconsolable when she received the news, but she was nearly cried out by the time I arrived. I hugged my beautiful wife and we both found more tears.
I've sometimes said that I've never lost anyone close to me. All of my grandparents have died, but I didn't really know any of them well. Parents and siblings of close friends have passed. I witnessed their grief, but could only imagine it. My girls, only three-week-old embryos, were the first people to die who I was close to. Who knew that you could be so in love with children who were yet to be born? It was like a part of me had been ripped away. How do people handle a miscarriage at 3 months? At 6 months? How do people handle the death of a child they have held? I cannot imagine their grief, and I pray that I will never experience it. This was all the grief I could handle.
The rest of the stay at the hospital was a nightmare. We waited for the gynecologist on call to arrive at the hospital and confirm what we already knew. Our babies would not live. We learned that our trip to NYC was cancelled. We had to return to Charlottesville immediately because the drug they would give Heather could be dangerous. We were dreading the 9-hour return trip. We were exhausted, emotionally and physically. We just wanted to leave the hospital, but they wouldn't let us go. We finally were able to leave at 4:30pm, but still had to return to the hotel and retrieve our belongings. I knew we wouldn't get home until 2 or 3 in the morning.
A 9-hour drive is never fun. Starting the trip when you are already exhausted makes it worse. However, this trip turned out to be helpful, at least for me. Heather and I were able to talk. We talked about our pain and our grief. We talked about the love we already had for our daughters. We talked about our faith in God. We talked about the blessings we have. When I felt strong enough, I made a couple of phone calls. I broke the news to my mother and to Philip, my best friend. I made it through about 5 words before losing it. Even as I write this blog three days later, my eyes are misting. But I learned some things on that long drive. No, that's not right. I confirmed some things on that drive. I confirmed that I married a truly incredible woman and I am so lucky that I have her; I confirmed my love for God and my faith in His plan; and I confirmed the love and support that we have from the family and friends in our lives.
Poor Heather has been in a lot of pain these last three days. I hate to see her suffer. She doesn't believe me, but I wish I could trade places with her. I'd rather suffer the pain than watch her go through it. She's good at a lot of things, but not pain. It consumes her. I pray that her next pregnancy is successful. I don't want to see her body go through this again. And I want to hold those babies in my arms.
Ivy & Savannah
conceived 6-28-10
died 7-22-10
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