Ups and Downs

I always heard that a miscarriage was a traumatic event for a woman. That some women, even 20 years later, will think about the children that might have been. No one ever told me it is traumatic for the father.

We learned on Thursday that we lost Ivy and Savannah, our twin babies. We were on a business trip in Albany, NY. We being me, Heather, and Lydia. I only had to be there for one day, and then we were going to spend a couple of nights in NYC. It would have been Lydia's first trip to the Big Apple, and she was excited as ... well, as excited as a couple of soon-to-be parents. We were going to see Wicked, tour the Met, and pick out the first baby gifts for Ivy and Savannah.

Heather woke up Thursday morning in pain. It's hard for me judge the severity of her pain because her reaction is equally demonstrative if it's caused by a nurse who does a lousy job sticking her for a blood sample or if it's because she's been dealing with dry socket for three days. On Thursday it was really bad. It was dry socket bad. Because she was pregnant, she was only allowed to take Tylenol, and we didn't have any. I ran to the store and brought some back before leaving for my business meeting.

Shortly after arriving at my meeting, I got a text message from Heather saying "Please call me. We had to go to ER". I didn't see it right away because my phone was on silent. By the time I saw it, another text arrived: "We are here waiting". I excused myself from the meeting and called Heather. She explained that the pain didn't get better after I left, so she called our IVF Nurse, Bonnie. Bonnie told her to get to the hospital immediately. Heather has been reading a lot about all of the things that can go wrong, so she already knew what to fear - an ectopic pregnancy. That's when the embryo attaches to a fallopian tube instead of to the uterus. This is very dangerous to the mother because the tube can burst and the mother can die from internal bleeding.

Thank goodness I didn't know anything about ectopic pregnancies while I was in that conference room. I was acting like nothing was wrong as I sat in a conference room with 7 men, asking questions and taking notes. Meanwhile, I'm holding my phone under the table and exchanging text messages with Lydia and Heather to learn what's going on. I wanted to leave the meeting, but I knew that there was nothing I would be able to do at the hospital and Lydia was there to comfort her sister. Thank God for Lydia. She was so helpful! She not only kept me informed about what was happening, but she let me know how Heather was doing.

Just as I was leaving the meeting, I got the news we had been dreading. The pregnancy was ectopic. Jim Miller, my boss, gave me a ride to the hospital. I could barely contain my anxiety as we struggled to find the hospital and turned a 5 minute ride into a 20 minute ride. There were three of us in the car and we pointedly remained silent for the trip. Jim and John didn't know what to say. I didn't trust my voice. Lydia said that Heather was inconsolable when she received the news, but she was nearly cried out by the time I arrived. I hugged my beautiful wife and we both found more tears.

I've sometimes said that I've never lost anyone close to me. All of my grandparents have died, but I didn't really know any of them well. Parents and siblings of close friends have passed. I witnessed their grief, but could only imagine it. My girls, only three-week-old embryos, were the first people to die who I was close to. Who knew that you could be so in love with children who were yet to be born? It was like a part of me had been ripped away. How do people handle a miscarriage at 3 months? At 6 months? How do people handle the death of a child they have held? I cannot imagine their grief, and I pray that I will never experience it. This was all the grief I could handle.

The rest of the stay at the hospital was a nightmare. We waited for the gynecologist on call to arrive at the hospital and confirm what we already knew. Our babies would not live. We learned that our trip to NYC was cancelled. We had to return to Charlottesville immediately because the drug they would give Heather could be dangerous. We were dreading the 9-hour return trip. We were exhausted, emotionally and physically. We just wanted to leave the hospital, but they wouldn't let us go. We finally were able to leave at 4:30pm, but still had to return to the hotel and retrieve our belongings. I knew we wouldn't get home until 2 or 3 in the morning.

A 9-hour drive is never fun. Starting the trip when you are already exhausted makes it worse. However, this trip turned out to be helpful, at least for me. Heather and I were able to talk. We talked about our pain and our grief. We talked about the love we already had for our daughters. We talked about our faith in God. We talked about the blessings we have. When I felt strong enough, I made a couple of phone calls. I broke the news to my mother and to Philip, my best friend. I made it through about 5 words before losing it. Even as I write this blog three days later, my eyes are misting. But I learned some things on that long drive. No, that's not right. I confirmed some things on that drive. I confirmed that I married a truly incredible woman and I am so lucky that I have her; I confirmed my love for God and my faith in His plan; and I confirmed the love and support that we have from the family and friends in our lives.

Poor Heather has been in a lot of pain these last three days. I hate to see her suffer. She doesn't believe me, but I wish I could trade places with her. I'd rather suffer the pain than watch her go through it. She's good at a lot of things, but not pain. It consumes her. I pray that her next pregnancy is successful. I don't want to see her body go through this again. And I want to hold those babies in my arms.

Ivy & Savannah

conceived 6-28-10

died 7-22-10

Good News!

When I first typed the title of this post, I accidentally typed "God News". That would have been just as appropriate. We got great news today. Heather is pregnant! Woo hoo!!!

We actually got the news last Thursday from a blood test, but her HCG level was only 63 thirteen days after the embryo transfer. The IVF doctors consider anything under 66 as risky, so we were reluctant to celebrate. We were scheduled to go back in today and get another test. Heather was very anxious, as she has been throughout the process. I'm much more laid back. Fortunately, I'm blessed with the ability to not worry about things I cannot control.

Two days ago, Heather decided to put everything into God's hands. Every time she became anxious, she would just say to herself "it's in your hands, God", and she would feel peaceful. It was wonderful to see the transformation in her and the peace that God can deliver, when asked.

So we got to the clinic shortly after their 8am opening time and were finally escorted back to one of the patient rooms after about 20 minutes (seemed like 20 hours). Everyone at the clinic has been very kind and supportive, but Heather is not fond of the nurse she saw today. It's not that she isn't nice. She is. It's just that she's not very good at taking blood. Today was no exception. I always sit on the opposite side of the blood letting arm so I can distract her, but I was watching as the nurse stuck Heather's arm .... missing the vein. As she poked around inside her arm with the needle, Heather's pain tolerance was quickly exceeded. The alarmed look on my face didn't help either. Fortunately, the nurse asked if she was in pain, and Heather said YES!!! She switched to Heather's other arm and managed to find a vein this time.

She told us that we should get the results before lunch. But what does that mean? 10am? 11am? We were hoping they didn't take lunch at 2pm or something!!! Meanwhile, we tried to fill our morning with distractions. We went to Chick-Fil-A. We took Killer to the vet. We checked emails. We finally got the call shortly before noon.

We knew that if the pregnancy was developing correctly, Heather's HCG level should be doubling every 48 hours. Since it was 63 on Thursday, it should now be 252 or better if everything was on track. The actual number was ... wait for it ... 480!!! We were blown away! Bonnie, the IVF specialist whom we adore, gave us the news and she said this was great! Heather asked if this meant twins, but Bonnie was not ready to make that prediction. However, we will know on July 30th when we go in for the first ultrasound. We're really hoping for twins, but we will be delighted if we just get a healthy baby.

We've been walking around all day without touching the floor. We're on cloud nine. I emailed family and close friends, and everyone was quick to respond and share our joy. We are so blessed!!!

I have a business trip to Albany this week, but it will only be for one day. I'm driving up with Heather and Lydia (Heather's sister) so after business, we're heading to NYC. Lydia has never been, so she is really excited. We are too! We love going to NYC and seeing shows. This time we will see Wicked. Lydia also wants to visit the Metropolitan Museum, Tiffany's, and The Plaza Hotel. And of course we need to visit FAO Schwartz, the best toy store in the world. We're going to buy our first baby present. Actually, we will get two, just in case we have twins. Can't wait!!!

City Champion

Woo hoo! My buddy, Cheese (Philip Mahone), won the City Championship! It was an exciting final round. Cheese started the day one shot back of the leader, Scott Garrison. After the first nine holes, Cheese was down 5 shots!! Fortunately, he's been playing well and he has a lot of confidence in himself, so he believed he could make it up. The comeback started on their 10th hole, which was actually the first hole at Meadowcreek because they reversed the nines for the tournament. Cheese birdied and Scott bogeyed, so there was a 2-stroke swing. The same thing happened on the par-5 3rd hole. Then Cheese birdied the 13th (4th) hole to pull even with just five holes to play. Scott took a gamble and tried to drive the short 5th hole, but it backfired. He made bogey, giving Cheese a one-shot lead. Philip thought to himself "if I can play the last four holes even par, I'll win". He was right. He gave himself birdie chances on every hole, but all he needed was pars. Scott made par on each hole. The last one was exciting because Scott and Cheese both had 15-foot birdie putts straight up the hill. Scott hit his dead at the hole, only to see it come up one inch short. Cheese made a routine 2-putt to win the tournament. His entire family was there, including his aging father. Cheese is an emotional guy and he barely held it together during his acceptance speech. He finally lost it when Jerry Ratcliffe, Sports Editor for the Daily Progress, asked about Philip's family during the interview.

I made sure I gave Cheese a hard time afterward for failing to mention me during his acceptance speech. With tongue firmly planted in my cheek, I told him he should have said that having to give me 8 shots a round really helped him elevate his game. He laughed.

That night, Phil's father-in-law, Joe Palumbo, invited the entire family to the Aberdeen Barn for a celebration dinner. They invited Heather and me to go too. We had a great time. Cheese looked like he had just won the lottery. He was elated. We had a great time eating, drinking, and telling funny stories. That was a fun night!

My round was less exciting. I continued to hit the ball well, hitting 15 greens in regulation as I did on Saturday. Putting continued to let me down as I shot a disappointing 76. It's frustrating. When I'm standing over a putt, I'm a bundle of nerves. It's important to be confident when you putt, but I'm standing over every putt with fear strumming every fiber of my body. I've tried all kinds of tricks. Don't worry about the outcome, just hit the ball; just think about a smooth stroke; imagine the ball going in the hole; get excited about the chance to make birdie. Nothing worked. For a while I just told myself to "trust Jesus" when I stood over a putt, and that worked for a period. I even tried singing "Amazing Grace" (not aloud) while I was putting to get a good rhythm. I stubbed the putter. Twice. I don't know what to try now!

The day was beautiful and my playing partners were fun, so I texted Heather and asked if she wanted to join me for the back nine. She immediately responded that she would, so I was excited. I had a cart to myself, so it would be easy for her to ride. Unfortunately, she was in a bad mood right from the first hole. Her butt hurt (from the progesterone shots), and riding in the cart made it worse. She was in a sour mood, to put it mildly. When she suggested that she leave after six holes, I said that would be a good idea. She was afraid I would be mad, but I was relieved.

Heather said that all kinds of little things irritate her these days. She said that most of the time she just keeps this to herself, but sometimes it slips out - like yesterday. I think her mood swings are caused by the progesterone she is taking for her pregnancy. Or maybe the pregnancy itself. I sure hope that's it!

When I got home, Heather really unloaded on me. I have to admit that some of it was deserved. She pointed out that she's always the one who comes up with things for us to do, like watch a movie, go to the downtown mall with Killer, or go out to dinner. She's right. She's told me many times that she wants me to surprise her with stuff, but I haven't done so very often. I'm going to make an effort to surprise her with something every week. I've put it on my calendar so that I don't forget. Maybe it's not romantic to put "Surprise Heather" on my weekly calendar, but that's one way I can make sure I keep it as a priority. I love her like crazy and I want to do my best to make her happy.

City Championship

Today was the first round of the 3-day Charlottesville City Golf Championship at Meadowcreek. I was hesitant about entering because I've been putting poorly, but I had some good rounds recently, so I put in my entry a couple of weeks ago. I might have hesitated a little longer if I knew it would be an 8am shotgun start and I'd have to get up at 6am!!!

I've been giving Heather her progesterone shot at 9am every day, so I had to wake her up and give it to her at 7am this morning. Did I mention that my wife is pregnant? We're doing IVF and our doctor transferred two embryos into Heather on July 6th. We're hoping to have two girls and Heather is already lobbying to call them Ivy and Savannah. She's as nervous as a balloon in a pin factory and probably will be until she takes her pregnancy test on July 15th. I'm not nervous at all. I trust that God has the situation under control.

I headed off to the golf course immediately after delivering the shot. Heather, Killer (our Westie) and PC (psycho cat) all wished me good luck. I was looking forward to playing with Philip Mahone, one of my close friends and always a favorite whenever he tees it up. I like playing with him because I can "draft" off of him, but the guy is a mute on the golf course. He's Chatty Cathy off the course, but on the course he says about two words in 5 hours. Today was no different.

We started on #5 and I hit the ball great. Tee shot was down the middle, approach was to 6 feet, and I missed the putt. Just missed the green on #6, chipped to 4 feet and missed the putt. I hit a good drive on #8 and hit the green, but 3-putted (missing a 2-footer on the 2nd putt). No. 8 is a tough par 3 and I hit it to about 12 feet, missing that putt too!! So now I've played four holes, I should be 1 under, and I'm 2 over. Agggghhh!!! That's kind of how the day went. I hit a lot of great shots, but just didn't capitalize. I ended up shooting 75, or 5 over par. That's not horrible, but this is a day when I should have shot in the 60's. Philip (or Cheese, as I call him) was the opposite. He played okay, but frankly didn't hit it as well as I did, but man, that guy can putt! He shot 69 and is near the lead. I'm looking forward to playing the next two days and see if I can go low. I just need a hot putter!